Now, I am the mother of an awesome 11 y.o boy whom I love to crumbly bits and pieces. He is a great sport, no, really, he is. Thoughtful, considerate, loving, kind, selfless, obedient, helpful, does his chores without instruction — the perfect kid! Wait, what? I have to wake up now? I’m not ready yet! Okay, seriously though, I love my kid and wouldn’t trade him for any one in the world, as tempting as my dream kid is, no sireeee, I ain’t trading him.
I am a great mom, I am an awesome mom hell I’m a super mom and I don’t need any one to tell me that I am the best mom in the entire fucking world – I have the grey hairs and wrinkles to prove it. I have the gargantuan task of single-handedly chaperoning this little human into this shit world fully equipped with the the tools to kick ass.
No one however, bothered to hand me the manual on this shit. No one thought it would be a good idea to blueprint me the plan to navigate this big and important responsibility of making a decent human being.
No I had to figure that shit out all by myself. So I am going to tell you what to expect, I am going to tell you the nitty-gritty about this thing called parenting and because I am such an altruistic sap I’m gonna go ahead and tell you about some of the things that are COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OKAY to do as a parent because fuck you opinionated non-parent-with-your-negative-finger-pointing-that’s-not-how-you-raise-a-child bullshit, my sanity and the safety of my kid depends on it.
What you need to know:-
It’s okay to think that your kid is an asshole-
No really, it is okay, so long as he doesn’t know you’re thinking it. Let’s face it, there are things that our kids do that qualifies for only one expression “you know something, you’re an asshole!” Because screaming “you’re an asshole’ at him borders on verbal abuse, I think, and boy do I think it and think it some more..!!!!! All the while telling him how uncool what he did was.
Don’t Dare tell me I can’t spank my child-
Fortunately for me, I live in a place where a grade A ass whopping is a luxury I can access any time I damn well please. Unfortunately for him, when I decide to exercise my right to wield a disciplinary weapon (belt, switch, pot, pan, hose, table, chair) it doesn’t end well. While spanking is my very last resort, I still like to know I have it as an option. But let’s face it, more often than not it’s much more energy-taxing to spank a kid than to threaten taking away of certain privileges in this age of technology.
Sometimes (like all the time) you have to say the same thing over and over and over and over.
The deja vu time vortex (no I made that up) really is a thing. Like seriously. I have to write shit down just to be certain that It in fact happened. I in fact said it before and said it again and again and again. So when I have to say it for the gazillionth time I don’t feel like I am losing my marbles.
You discover your dormant ingenuity-
It has to be dormant, how else could I find such a kid friendly way of cursing? That shit doesn’t just happen out of the blue. It has to be there, somewhere, deep down only to be conjured in seriously stressful situations. What the fluff did you just do? How many forking times have I told you not to do that? For the billionth time take your clucking clothes off of the floor. Clean your ffffffffing room!
Scream, Shout as much as you want-
I refuse to let you tell me screaming at my kid is abuse. Fuck you if you think that. He sure as hell doesn’t when after one of my ranting episodes will resume to ask or do the thing that caused the rant in the first place. Ugh! Scream as much as you wanna, Lord knows that kind of pent up anger and frustration is bound to get you in trouble if you don’t let that shit out.
How do you deal with your very moody on the brink of puberty teenager? What kind of coping mechanisms do you employ? How do you discipline your kids? Let me know yoll…