Let’s Talk About Snooping!

While the world has seemingly been thrown into what appears to be a state of utter chaos; babies are still being born, people are still falling in love, breakups are still a thing, people are still cheating and desperate partners are still looking for dreaded answers to their anxiety driven suspicions.

Which begs the question; to snoop or not to snoop? This is a widely debated topic and both schools of thought present pretty formidable arguments.

Since this to me is subjective and my experience -of absolute mind-fucking and loads and loads of lies, manipulation and a few rides too many on the ‘relationshit’ roller-coaster- is not your experience; I am a proud fuck-respect-your-privacy-when-it-comes-to-preserving-my-sanity-shameless  ‘snooper’.

When you enter into a relationship you enter without prejudgments (ideally) you give that individual the benefit of the doubt that all the things they are saying and doing is a genuine representation of their intentions and how they feel about you. Trust is developed and the relationship blossoms.

There is no need to suspect your SO of anything shady because, well, they aren’t doing anything that warrants suspicion. So you respect boundaries, privacy and the individual’s right to be an individual in addition to being your partner.

But there comes a time, when the shady  behavior begins, the trust is eroded, questions are being avoided or unanswered and your crazy ass mind goes haywire. Hell yea I’m snooping for answers if I’m not getting them from you.


I’m Searching that shit IF…

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…his phone has to be surgically removed from his hands, if he has to wrap the toilet paper around that phone to wipe his ass, if he goes to the shower wearing a zip-lock over his hand, if he carved the steering wheel of his car to accommodate that phone while driving!

…he responds to phone notifications like Bat Man to the bat signal or Superman to the ever so slight whisper of Louis Lane!

…I’m within proximity of his phone and I happen to mistakenly purposely rubberneck and see “ba…” before he locks screen!

…his phone is blowing up while we are cuddling, Netflix and chilling, spending ‘we time’, and I can see the sweat beads  from your clammy sweat running down your face because you don’t want to check your phone while I’m there!

…he Alt +Tab or Alt +F4 that inbox, that photo or anything seemingly incriminating as soon as I enter the room!

…this guy not only leaves the room, but sneaks out to take a call in the next room at an ungodly hour, I am fucking snooping!


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Being cheated on makes you paranoid, and I think it is bullshit to label someone as having trust issues when both parties entered into a relationship perfectly secure, with a clean bill of health, no fucking stress, no infractions and everyone trusting each other.

How can you then carry on with your trifling shady cheating bullshit then call me insecure for thinking that the lie you are telling me is a fucking lie?

I am well aware of the arguments against searching, snooping, ‘cooping’ or whatever you call it in your country. It usually ends with “have some self-respect and dignity, you can always walk away.”

It is exactly because I have self-respect and dignity why I refuse to walk away before all the crazy thoughts and disorientation in my head are lulled.

Is it worth the pain when you find out your suspicions were true? Hell yes it is worth it, (well for me it was) at that point I actually felt no pain I was numb and just wanted closure.

Granted there are some persons for whom snooping is an unmotivated pass-time, I am not one to judge anyone for doing what they feel is necessary to preserve their sanity after the trust in their relationship has been fragmented.

What are your views on snooping…? Do you think it is justifiable…? Have you ever snooped…? How did you feel afterwards…? Did you confirm your suspicions…? Let me know your views in the comments… 🙂



Published by k.b etceterra

An awkward 'adulter' navigating life with a vagina in her teenie tiny corner of the world.

58 thoughts on “Let’s Talk About Snooping!

  1. I get what you mean! Personally, I don’t snoop because I am picky AF with relationships so if I feel the NEED to snoop, generally i take that as a red flag. (Too little time to spend it with someone that makes you feel less than 100% about them!) x

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I totally agree…that shit takes time… and a lot of precious time that could otherwise be spent doing less exhausting things like enjoying single life… and not trying to find out that trifling men are trifling and making you feel like a lunatic in the process…well said…!


  2. Ever snooped?hell yea.Still snooping?hell no.I snooped in my past relationship just to confirm my worst fears and to gather enough courage to leave his sorry ass and I did.Of course before I did that I had weighed all the options and resolved to ” better now than later”. Right now I don’t snoop on my DH because if it comes to a time that I do,it will definitely mean the beginning of the end.Because trust is what carries relationships through the waves.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Well said!!! You can really feel when something’s not right and you just need the confirmation either it’s true or fals. And if the trust has been broken once or more… you snoop more!!! I did and I got the truth.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I think that it’s an invasion of privacy once you start snooping. It’s the beginning of doubt, and you put a strain on the relationship once you start doubting. However, there’s justification behind it if your partner is being shady. If they’re hiding things from you, and you sense something is different or wrong. It makes you want to snoop. But I feel it’s better to confront them than to snoop. But sometimes people also lie. So there’s a real fine line there. I don’t believe in snooping, but you know when something is up.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. My biological father has destroyed my ability to fully trust anyone. I snoop on my husband’s phone, but I’m not secretive about it. He knows and doesn’t care. Not that I think he would cheat on me, but my dad has installed the doubt in my mind that anyone is a decent person.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. …he responds to phone notifications like Bat Man to the bat signal or Superman to the ever so slight whisper of Louis Lane!” hahahahaha! Oh god, that is too funny! I have snooped in the past, but my snooping days are over.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. lol… I swear this one shitty relationshit brought out my inner snoop… luckily that is long gone and I have no reason to feel paranoid…or taken for a fool… or is that my paranoia… ugghhh…


  7. So interesting how trust is eroded and how gaslighting can undermine your sense of self. I agree with the previous comments to trust your gut. Ideally if both parties have trust it should be an open phone policy and you named all the worrisome behaviours that mean something is wrong. Then again, I could get philosophical and point out that we don’t own other people and that if they choose to spend time with us, that’s enough. I’m not sure I fully believe that argument and I haven’t lived in relationships holding the RA tenets. If you have no idea what I’m rambling on about, check out relationship anarchy on Google or stay tuned for my blog. Thanks for bringing up an important topic.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know how I missed this… but you are absolutely correct and said it so perfectly. I agree the only person we own is ourselves and that is something I live by. Are you familiar with the choice theory by William Glasser…? I’ve never heard of the RA tenets…will def. be looking out for those…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thanks. Do a search on Relationship Anarchy (RA) which is a post-polyamory philosophy started by a Swedish woman. I see it mainly as mutually negotiating your own relationship boundaries and respecting other people’s right to self and autonomy, but it is also about valuing close relationships whether they be sexual or otherwise. I will look up William Glassner – he sounds familiar 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. this is some very interesting stuff… her perspective is at least to me…will be reading more from her to gain new insight on an alternative school of thought😊😊thanks for the edjucation😉😉

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I think snooping is completely justifiable is they’ve given you reason to feel the need to snoop. If you admit to me that you cheated on me at one point, early in the relationship – I am going to fucking snoop. I am also, obviously, going to dump your arse, but not after I have a fistful of receipts to smack yo upside the head with as I do so.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Snooping is a huge make or break deal for me! I personally don’t do it and I would never want someone else to do it to me. So far I’ve only let trustworthy and TRUSTING people into my life so I guess I was lucky

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Lucky indeed… I don’t think anyone ever wants to be reduced to that level of desperation when it comes to relationship. You are right it begins with the people we let into our lives…


  10. Sooooo. If you want some honesty here it is. My fiancé and high school sweetheart have walked through hell and back together. There has been infidelity in the past which obviously led to shitstorms upon shitstorms of disastrous traumatic episodes that have lasted MONTHS if not years at a time. We managed to get THROUGH it because it takes two. Are you ever the same? No. But if both play their cards right, which I have faith that we have- things can be BETTER after this kind of intense awakening. With said awakening came the re-evaluation of what it means to “start from scratch”. It has taken getting to know each other, our needs, wants, likes, dislikes- ALL over again. It has taken becoming BEST FRIENDS from scratch all over again before becoming “a couple” again. It has taken endless effort and emotional outbursts and painful truths. It has also taken, the firm decision to NOT snoop so as to avoid falling back into that loop. Its BEEN FUCKING HARD!!!!! BUt. We both keep our phones UNLOCKED and readily available. And just that, makes it less appealing to want to snoop because “it’s too easy….” it has also taken the realization that if you choose to accept this sort of thing, and to forgive it- you better damn well forget it and leave the past in the past because THATS what will lead to failure. Forgiving but not being able to actually LET GO. Snooping is no way of life. If there’s a need to snoop- something is 💯 percent fucking up. Women are NEVER wrong our instincts are on POINT girl and you know this! If I ever feel the need to snoop again- I’m afraid we wouldn’t make it after all we have been through for the past 16 years.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. 16 years…WOW… Congrats…I admire your strength girl…and you are absolutely correct…if youve made the conscious decision to forgive and move on the past has no place in the present…

      I went through hell and realised the asshole was a complete and utter asshole his behaviour was devoid of respect, conscience everything… there was no going back to that…🙈🙈🙈 snooping signed and sealed that shit….!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well good for you and being strong and loving yourself my friend!!! It’s NOT easy!!!! I have such an antique soul. I really go to war and fight for it if there’s something worth fighting for and the feeling has to be mutual of course but I just don’t believe in giving up unless there’s no hope. Sometimes there really ISNT any hope and that’s ok too as long as we can recognize it and ACT on it because there’s no time to waste in this life!

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Definitely have snooped in the past, definitely do not snoop now. I’ve learned it’s indicative if a much larger problem of the person not being honest with me or my old shit getting in the way of new shit. Either way it’s problematic and needs to be addressed head on, not by me being sneaky about it. This was a funny read though. You always keep it 100!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I’m all for snooping to satiate my worries but like you said only if I’m given a reason to be worried. As in I don’t even have a password to access my phone and I demand that kind of openness from you too. As in, I want to able to know that you’re not hiding anything from me so I could access your phone anytime. Not that I will but I could? Does that make sense?

    Liked by 2 people

  13. I love this posts! You write so good..i felt a little guilty.I think i snooped once. I think snooping is not for me , it breaks my nerves😥…may be i could take that, when i was much more younger.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I think we’ve all been on the snooping front, but man… ignorance can be bliss, right? Lol For me personally, if I feel the need to snoop, I need to get out! I wouldn’t want to know what this shady ahole has been doing anyways!! I think that would hurt worse.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I have not been in that situation so hard to comment but hey, this is me Jad, and I am pretty sure I would take the direct approach and say ” hey give me your phone you fucker and lemme see what has you so interested”

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Don’t get me wrong, I was married twice for total of 31 years and they both cheated on me. Just by time it got to the point I found out about it I did not give two fucks enough to want to snoop.

    Liked by 2 people

  17. If you have been cheated on, it’s extremely difficult to trust wholeheartedly. Even if you’re free of the cheater and starting over again with an honourable soul. I say try not to snoop if possible because it will inevitably bring pain to yourself, not to mention guilt! Instead try to find inner confidence and ultimately, a real sense of peace.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand. I’ve had to counsel myself for hours in the past about taking the high road and leaving well enough alone… I’m going for sainthood!!! Ha I wish!

        Liked by 1 person

  18. Such an interesting thread of comments that I also want to add something personal. I was cheated on by my first love at age 16 years. That was the first significant relationship of my life (my ex-husband was next and I met him on the rebound at 17). The cheating I’m referring to also involved multiple others knowing and not informing me. I loved that guy harder and deeper than anyone, ever – as only a first love can be, from a pure heart. However – my point is that my first love stole my trust in men and I have never regained it – despite more than 20 years of marriage with a man who never looked at another woman. Trust – once taken – is rarely ever rebuilt. Now, in my 40s, I prefer to think along the lines now of Esther Perel and Dan Savage who write and talk about monogamy (and what an unrealistic lifetime goal it is) and infidelity – why it happens and how couples can understand the many complex reasons and move on, together or apart). Esther Perel in particular is an incredible, dynamic and intelligent therapist who always has a fresh and insightful perspective. She also doesn’t hold back about the generations of shit that women have had to deal with in the name of marriage and relationships.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Wow… I can definitely relate to the trust issues and I have reservations of my own about the whole monogamy thing and how it seems so natural for people to cheat… it’s kind of disconcerting…Esther Perel sounds interesting, im gonna go find her….

      Liked by 1 person

  19. Yes her website has some of her articles but she has written 2 books and has a TED talk and several interviews on You Tube, plus her latest book is about infidelity and how to come back from that, and understand it. I’m definitely a fangirl!

    Liked by 1 person

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