So Ladies, When Life Drives You Nuts and You Are Broke AF- Escape!!!

As If being a woman isn’t hard enough, life goes ahead and throws at you godawful things like work and kids and bills and men and every other thing you can possibly think of that effectively drains the life out of you. So what do I do when I want to de-stress?

Well, I jump on my laptop,  key in  and find the best ‘you-absolutely-cannot-afford-to-pass-this-up’ package deal to Finland (because seeing the Northern Lights is on my bucket  list).  Accommodation at the Igloo Resort, a wicked spa package complete with a visit to the uncharted Fountain of Youth -I sure could use a dip, or two- “this right here is the life!”. I click on BOOK and gleefully complete my party of one leave-all-the-stress-behind reservation, then on to check out.  

Check-out is a breeze, I know that shit like the palm of my hand, so I didn’t need to scrabble for my credit card and risk losing out on the once-in-a-lifetime deal that expires in so and so seconds. There! It’s done! I click check out, close my eyes and softly whisper a prayer to the credit card gods begging them, pleading for their mercy to allow my maxed-out-months-before-you-have-zero-credit card to approve. I was stoked when I saw “thank you  your booking has been received.”

You know there are some sites which automatically does the courtesy of thanking you for your order regardless of if it was successful or not? I think that’s an inside programmers  joke.  They are probably so bored with 1’s and 0’s they decided to fuck with people’s feelings. Give them that fleeting chance at hope and then snatch that shit right back with the DECLINE email. Um yea, that hope, well, fleeted.  Pffftt whatever a girl can dream can’t she!

So just how do you deal? Well I take a mini Spa-Cation. Hell no I don’t mean the Spa spa, whose prices are just as expensive as my unicorn vacation. Albeit when you are done you feel light as a feather, all that heavy life shit piles right back on when you get your ‘what the fuck, a facial costs how much now?!” bill. 

No! I’m talking about escaping to my Oasis Garden of ‘Otherworldlies’ (My house) lighting my oil warmers that are already filled with lavender  (which is super relaxing, don’t believe me?) and treating my mind, body and soul to an ‘out of this world pampering’ even I want to pay me for when I’m done. 

What does my SPA-cation include? For starters the kid and any other life form has got to go! Vacate the premises until further notice! The sun blocking drapes ( the jury is still out on that one) are closed, and Enya’s-Sail Away ever so slightly fills the rooms. YASSSS! My $10 bottle of wine is already chilled, juice glass ready along with my cheddar cheese cubes (I can’t afford that expensive shit). It’s time to unwind, de-clutter, de-stress and refuckinglax…!

Head massage-

it’s the closest i’ll ever get to ripping unpleasant stressful thoughts out of my mind. This is a plus for your hair too, for me who just chopped  it all off, my hair gets some extra love with whatever essential oil I choose to do this with (I use rosemary or peppermint). Remember to dilute (use a carrier oil) before applying. 

Facial-

No, I do not own those fancy steam thingamajigs or a facial machine (is that what you call it?). But I do own an electric kettle (because I can’t afford a hot water heater, hell I’m in the Caribbean I don’t need that shit!), a bowl, countless towels -maybe not countless, and a host of CHEAP (I can’t afford that Clarins, Clinique or MAC shit) easy-to-get-if-I-don’t-have-them-on-hand ingredients to whip up my favorite DIY facial mask and give myself a badass facial. Complete with zit popping and temple massaging services. 

Vajacial-

Oh, you haven’t heard? that’s a thing! When I know spa-day is coming up I usually let that shit go, and I mean to Sasquatch proportions. She deserves some love and care too. C’mon ladies she has guests to accommodate from time to time. I just like to keep the cobwebs to a minimum.  In between usual grooming, she gets some extra love when I’m ‘spa-cationing’ which includes steam treatment, wax, massage. 

Full-Body Massage-

So you’re thinking, how will I manage doing a full body massage on myself let alone enjoy the damn thing. Do you apply lotion to your skin? Like really apply lotion? Girl go on and feel yourself up, like full-fledged fondle mode. I’ve  never studied reflexology so I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing in that regard but I know when I’m through I feel like I’ve achieved an orgasm that went super saiyan.

When I don’t have almond oil which is great for skin elasticity  I use my ‘Arctic Chill’ Aveeno Lotion, never heard of it? That’s because I infused it with (as you would soon come to realize is my go to essential oil) peppermint oil which does wonders for blood circulation and relaxing muscles.

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If you are living on a budget like me and can’t afford all of the fancy shit, make fancy shit of your own. It does wonders for my sanity trust me! So go on and get your SPA-cations on then tell me you didn’t feel fan-fucking-tastic!!!!!